English Composition 121
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Is it my fault?

Is it my fault?

How is it possible for one person to be happy at one moment, and then sad the next?  Why is it so easy for emotions to change? Is this how things were meant to be? Never constant?  Why can’t the joy that makes me feel like life will never get better, or worse, everlasting?

Is it my fault?

Why is it when I look at my parents, I find myself questioning what will be their future?  Is it because of my more mature understanding of relationships as opposed to when I was a child?  Is it because I see the conflict that has created a fissure between them? Is it because love sometimes doesn’t last until death?  Why can’t the smiles they used to share still show?

Is it my fault?

What is the meaning of husband and wife?  To lean on each other when times are rough?  To be a rock? Support? Or is it more than that?  Is that what changes when two people no longer see the sparkle that once was there?  The joy that was once shared? The eternity that once seemed like a possibility?

Is it my fault?

What’s it like starting from scratch?  Building a life together? Is it fun? Is it easy to see where everything will go?  Is it seen as a dream rather than a reality at the time? How scary would it be? Why are there so many “what ifs” when you’re starting?

Is it my fault?

When my parents tell stories about their youth, I sometimes wonder, where did it go?  Why is it when I look at them now that I see different people? I thought our history was supposed to last?  That when you look into a person’s eyes, shouldn’t their youth and colors shine through? Or when people age, do they lose their previous selves permanently?    

Is it my fault?

Why do some people make stupid decisions?  Is it because of love? Do people throw their whole lives away, just for love?  How can a feeling so beneficial cause a person to go so far off track? To do drugs just because of another person?  Just because the person they love, loves drugs? Are love-colored glasses just that strong?

Is it my fault?

Is it worth doing this?  For love? The same type of love that brought my parents together, causing the exact issue that is tearing them apart?  Would it be selfish to call that person selfish? Should I stay away from love at this point? Or would that be stupid as well?

Is it my fault?

How is it possible for one person’s love to destroy the love of others?  To act like the tectonic plates of the earth, sending devastating quakes through their relationship?  To have this power over another person, is it even possible? Is it the substance that runs through their veins that gives them this power?  Or did they have it the whole time?

Is it my fault?

Is this strength something everyone has hidden inside of them?  A toxic force? Do some people learn to use them properly while others don’t, like superheroes?  Or are some people naturally given this destructive force over other people? Are we born that way?  Where some make others cry, while others give them a smile?

Is it my fault?

Was I not good enough?  Was there something I could do?  When it happened, should I have said something?  Was sitting in silence looking at the two, not the right thing to do?  Was my indecision and bystander practices another cause? Was I apart of their undoing?

Is it my fault?

Is there something I can still do?  Or is the damage done? Is this the permanent type of damage that cripples people for life?  That leaves them constantly thinking about what was and wanting to go back to then? Is it the pain that people keep thinking about even though it’s not healthy for them?  Obsession?

Is it my fault?

Was I just as damaging as the substance that wreaked havoc on my brother’s mind?  Did I cause the same heartache that tore them apart? Should I have done more? Would my “more” have even been enough?  Is my “more” ever enough for people?

Is it my fault?

But why do I keep coming back to this question?  Is it me just trying to cope with what’s happening?  Is it pointless thinking, trying to find a way to bend the reality that my parents no longer love each other?  Is it even worth thinking over this? In the end, do my thoughts even matter, in this escalating matter?

In the end, is it my fault?

 

2 thoughts on “Is it my fault?

  1. Tasmim Hoque

    Brendalis,

    I held my breath as I read through your words. I could not help myself from reading faster and faster the deeper I got into your post because each of your questions urged me to know what’s next. There were several moments when I felt as if you were writing down the questions that have been running through my own mind. I’m very curious to find out how you answer this question you keep repeating to yourself. There are many people in this world, including me, who are trying to seek answers to the questions that leave them in an everlasting internal battle. Maybe your answers will carve a path for me to find my own.

    1. Dhipinder Walia

      I totally agree with Tasmim here, Brendalis, this was a powerful read. I am moved by how vulnerable you allow yourself to be here. First, in reflecting on your own responsibility in the state of your parent’s relationship, your brother’s struggles, and the struggles of starting. I see so much possibility here in terms of your autoethnography. You can start on a path of sociological understanding of marriage by investigating your parents. You can start on a path of psychological understanding of addiction, similar to Hari’s work in Chasing the Scream. Or, you might spend some time thinking about “starts.”

      I’m excited to see where you take this (sign into hypothesis for more annotations),
      DW

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