Dear journal,

It’s been a long time since I’ve done this, but now is as good a time as any to get back into writing. I’ve been so busy as usual, and time seems to have been going by in hyper speed these last few months (years?). I have all these plans and projects I want to finish but there just isn’t enough time. I want to invest myself into something meaningful, beyond my career. But every time I start something new, another project comes up! I don’t think the problem is the amount of effort I put in. When I’m committed to a project, I obsess over it. I spend all of my free time working and reworking, perfecting. But I don’t really see lasting results. How can I continue to put all of my energy into something that isn’t giving me anything in return? Of course I’m not looking for a quick fix or easy way out, but I also don’t have vast amounts of time to waste on dud ideas.

The point is, I just want to be able to have something for myself that works. Something I can be proud of. I have so many ideas, but I need the support in executing them. I know my ideas are good, and that people would enjoy my creations. The most difficult part is figuring out a means of getting it out there to the masses. Everything costs money. Thats just the way it is. In order for me to be able to succeed in getting my ideas out and sharing them with other people I need money. It’s not fair. But I have to do it because thats the world I live in. What good is complaining about the way things have been done for decades. I’m not making any claims to change that. I don’t want to. But that doesn’t mean I can’t voice my opinion about it.

I’m not obsessed with success or riches, by any means. I just want to be able to relax and feel secure. I’ve spent my entire life working. This experience has been like that of a hamster on a treadmill. But where are my treats? Do I have to just keep going until I have nothing left in me? Screw that!    

Im exhausted but I’m not going to give up. I’ve already come this far. I’m not ungrateful for the life I have but I know that it can be better. At times it seems like all I can see are those that are better off than me. I know it’s up to me to keep a reasonable perspective and remember where I was 20 years ago. Truthfully, I wouldn’t have dreamed I’d be here today. I just knew that I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life teaching at St. Catherine high school. Thats the ambition that got me here today and what keeps me going now. The obstacles have changed over time, they’ve gotten more illusive. Before it was more clear what I had to overcome, but now it seems that many things are just left to chance and luck. How do I overcome that? 

Thus far I may have sounded selfish. This is not just about me. It’s about the legacy that I want to create for my daughter. I don’t want her to have to struggle like I’ve done. I haven’t always made the best financial decisions, and I’ve learned “the hard way” in a lot of those instances. I want her to be better than me, to be responsible with her finances and know how to save for the future. I want her to be able to differentiate between the things she needs and the things she wants. I have to continue to set the example, I have to keep pushing, keep keeping on. 

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